God doesn't care...

I used to have a boss who is Jehovah's Witness. It was easy to ask her questions about her religion for some reason. When a JW is at the door I immediately want them to leave because questions seem to make them think I'm about to convert. I'm not. Asking her, though, was different because she knew I wasn't at all interested in anything other than gathering information. I like to have a good base of first-hand knowledge about things.

One of the things that most disturbed me about the religion was the idea that God had created the universe and then basically said, "buh-bye" and left us to our own ends. It was disturbing to me then. Now I think it is closer to my own, current conceptualization of what that word God means.

I was thinking in the shower this morning, as I often am, about the bigger concepts of life and how I fit into the game of the world. I was thinking about a friend whose status update I had just read on facebook. He's a guy I've seen several times over the last 12 or 13 years in random gay bars. He was when I first met him struggling with being gay and Christian. I randomly messaged him on fb a couple of weeks ago to see how that has all worked out because he's living as a Christian musician and tours with his music pretty much full time.

In our email discourse he was first, I think, a little shocked how much I remembered about our past conversations as compared to his not really knowing who I am. It happens. Beyond all that, he still seems to be living his life at least celibate if not completely "ex-gay." I'm not sure as he didn't say such straight out. He did, though, invite me to coffee with the stipulation that I "respect his choices" as he would respect mine. I haven't responded to the email.

Today there was a picture next to his update that looked like some kind of evangelical situation where someone was being saved. I don't know if that's what it was because it was a thumbnail on my phone but I know that it brought up some emotions in me. I was pissed, to be honest. I went through this whole train of thought about how his 'choice' has been to travel around lying to people about religion and God and god and Jesus and it pissed me off.

In my version of his story, which I realize I have written in my head more than gathered from him, the church convinced him it was wrong to be gay. They told him if he loved Jesus enough that Jesus would cure him of his affliction so he would no longer be an abomination to God. When the urge didn't go away to love men he became celibate. Now he travels around selling that same bullshit message to other people struggling with being gay or loving someone who is gay. It really got me going.

In the conversation I was rehearsing with him on my way to the shower I thought, "God doesn't care if you're gay." That turned into, "God doesn't care about anything we do." Once in the shower that connected to what Jehovah's Witnesses believe. It's not the same, I know. The sentence took on a new meaning for me, though. I do not have an 'out there' concept of God. I don't think there was some intelligent designer who created all of this that we then fucked up with our free will. I don't think there is some being that is punishing the world for people being gay or having abortions or eating pork.

What I believe is that God happens between us. I DO believe we are all connected. I believe that we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other. That is the practice that moves me through life and encourages me to find new ways to be of service. I'm not sure I'm so good at it but I'm working on it.

This week I have been focusing on being of service to those who are in positions to be serving me... Starbucks, restaurants, phone call centers... however I'm engaging the world that way. I always expect good service from them regardless their lives outside of whatever work they are doing. I always want them to be focused on me and what I want. Selfish. Not okay.

I've also realized that my being in a position to teach must be the most humbling thing in my life. The idea that someone would come to me to learn is astonishing sometimes. There were a couple of situations, I think, in which I was bullying and realized how absolutely not okay that is for me. I am working on that. I'm dedicating my teaching time more intentionally.

God doesn't care.

I care.

You care.

We care together.

That is what I think religion has been trying to point us to. What has happened, though, is some people at the top rung of the dogma ladders around the world and through time decided we weren't doing it right and added shit to scare us into behaving better. Now the world is following concepts that put God not only outside of each individual self but outside of others too. If you remember that everyone is an essential part of God, how could you do anything but love them? You couldn't, not if you really knew it beyond belief and faith. You would cherish each and every human as sacred and holy and essential in the fabric of life.

It seems like "God doesn't care" should be a bleak commentary on life but I am finding it to be the most empowering thought I could have at the moment. My dear friend Heather sent me a text message recently that read something like, "I asked God why he let such horrible things happen and didn't do anything to help and God said back, 'I did do something. I sent you.'" It's cliche and 'made up' but it made me cry. I think it's true.

If there is anything that your God, regardless what you call God, can do for this world, it will be through you because, honestly, God doesn't care. God is not omnipotent, God is powerless without you. You, however, have power beyond your imagination. Test it by making an hour of your day about making other people smile no matter what is going on with you. It's amazing.