Putting on gender

I'm going to California this weekend for a conference. I am really looking forward to it. A couple of good friends are joining me and I'm kind of joining another friend who invited me. I don't know exactly what to expect so I'm doing what I can to make the most of whatever I find.

One of the things on my mind lately has been related to gender and gender identity. In my life I've moved up and down the spectrum of feminine to masculine. I was a nancy boy who was in show choir and band and all that gayness in school. Shortly out of high school I think I butched up a bit for a minute but then met my 'gay mentor' who taught me about men and makeup. For about a year I put on makeup everyday before I left the house. No one looked at me and thought I had makeup on, mind you, they just thought I had amazing eyes and features. At some point I decided that wouldn't work anymore. I think it was when I stopped living with a girl who had good cosmetics.

From there I moved in the other direction and fell into thinking that masculinity was what I needed. I am attracted, in general, to men who are typically masculine by American standards. Because that is what I am attracted to I am most often convinced that's how I have to behave as well. It's not really all that natural, to be honest, and I don't think I'm all that good at it but it's what is in my head most of the time.

Recently, someone I respect said, "We all play a gender everyday." It really struck me as important and made me think of how I put on gender myself. I think that I've really nurtured some internalize homophobia in my belief that masculine means stronger and better. I don't actually believe that, actually. It is the habitual tape in my head, though. I have to correct myself often because that is how my thoughts go and then I have to re-explain to myself that masculinity informs us about a lot less than we'd like to think in this country.

So, while I am in California, I am going to play with gender. The biggest way this is going to play out is that I'm wearing Indian garb during the trip. I'm all set with my dhoti and kurtas. I am not taking my regular clothes except for the flight. I will probably feel uncomfortable for most of the trip. I will want to be wearing jeans and a polo often. I will feel like I can't flirt with men I'm normally attracted to in my uber-fabulous clothes. I am going to walk right through it, though.

One of my friends who will be on the trip said, "Take all the clothes you might want to wear and then see what other people are doing and go from there." I won't dress in response to the habits of others. I'm Darren Fucking Chittick and I decide.

I'm looking forward to kicking it Desi-style for a few days!