Measuring him right

"There is always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing. Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him; what he's been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most; when they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning -- because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in hisself 'cause the world done whipped him so. When you starts measuring somebody, measure him right child, measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is." Lorraine Hansberry [from Raisin in the Sun]

I can't get this quote out of my head lately. It slips into my consciousness at the oddest times. I think it might be some of the best advice ever. It's so much simpler to befriend someone or to continue to be friends with someone who's in a great place. I'm just going to leave this short and sweet because I think the quote says it all. I'm going to keep letting it bring me back to this lesson again and again and I hope it will start popping into your mind when you most need it.

I'm kind of a girl inside...

When I was growing up, my friends' parents and my family and such always said I'd grow up to make some woman a good wife. They were wrong about the woman part but I have grown up to be more wifely than I am okay with at times. I've blogged about gender before. It is coming up again but I think I'm in a situation in which I've actually learned from a mistake!

When I was dating Joshua, I was constantly convinced that my wifeyness was a turn-off for him. I thought that his hyper-masculine persona would require the same in return for mutual attraction. At some point I said something about this out loud and he gave me Heather's patented you-fucking-idiot face and said, "Why would you ever think that?" I was so stunned I don't know what happened next. I have been having the same thoughts popping up with Mr Dreamy (his name is Frank btw) but suddenly remembered what Joshua said and decided I would let him tell me if I was doing something that wasn't attractive to him. I'm not particularly effeminate... I did (with Gregory's help) hem Frank's pants into shorts for his new job. I'm crafty.

Gender roles and expectations kind of screw things up. He told me when we first met that he liked that I was masculine. I just thought he might be a little silly from getting hit in the cage. I think, though, that in some ways I'm 'typically masculine' and in other ways I'm just not. What I am recognizing is that doesn't mean I'm not attractive or awesome. It's just me being me. I can't tell you how much different it has sounded this time around to hear friends say, "Just be you." I actually think they might be right. Score one for improved self-esteem.

In other news, he's put me on a diet. Should I be offended? Actually, I was ready to transition to solid food after 6 weeks of protein shakes and of the options in front of me his was the most attractive. It could be that the prospect of someone else creating my menu plan and grocery list was the best part but as it is, I have put my continued body change in his hands and he is handling me gently. It is good.

I got new shoes today, too. I will be faster and jump higher for a limited amount of time. And, yes, they are blue with blue camo. HAWT!

New habits are hard to make!

Things are changing and only a some of them are at all in my control. I guess that means I'm still alive. I've lost about 15 pounds in the last 6 weeks but as I shift from four protein shakes and one meal a day back to solid food I'm worried it'll all come back. I'm out of the snacking habit, for sure. The problem that I'm facing is that the protein shake consumption eradicated an old, negative pattern of eating but has replaced it with nothing. That void is going to be filled with something and I'm doing my best to make a conscious decision about that. I am also aware that an old habit is threatening my growth in this direction as well.

Growing up I was very picked on. I have shared this in past blogs. One of the reasons that I was picked on is that I was absolutely useless at anything requiring physical skill. I had a complete lack of kinesthetic intelligence. I think that has changed with my continued study of karate but the feeling associated with being in a gym-like situation have not. I'm still so freaked out about it sometimes that it's absolutely ridiculous. The problem is, of course, I learned how to judge myself and others from those people who were mean to me and now I expect that everyone else is doing that as well. It's hardcore.

Things I can control, though, are what I eat and how much I move around to work off what I eat. I am also, in continuing my dzogchen-ish practice, learning that I can continue forward in a situation as a witness to emotions that threaten my resolve. My identity does not reside in those emotions. Where is my mind? Where is my mind? That is the question I come back to still. I am no master at this. I am practicing.

Another thing I can not control is people. How much does that suck!? I've just met this guy who is striking me as pretty effing amazing and I can feel the little naggings of my old shit creeping up. It's been a long time since I've liked someone who is within reach geographically. It seems he's coming from a similar place. We seem to click really well and so, of course, I have had little bits of wondering how I'm going to fuck it up. When those thoughts occur, though, I am telling myself that I never know how I'm going to fuck it up before I actually do and so I might as well enjoy the ride until that time comes should it actually happen. Very wise in theory. I'm hoping to keep on with it because I get a little giddy thinking about him. That will almost guarantee his reading this blog. Universe at work.

In the midst of all that, Mr. Dreamy has asked me to come do his VERY INTENSE AND SCARY WORKOUT with him. I'm so sure I'll fail that it petrifies me to go. Moreover, after however many years of studying and teaching karate, I'm certain that he'll see me 'at it' and wonder what the hell's wrong with me. (He's a martial artist as well but the kind that really gets hit. Kinda crazy when there are so many pretend arts available. It is, however, almost as sexy as his arms which are almost as sexy as his smile.) It has motivated me, though. I've had two of the best karate classes in a long while since meeting him. I am so out of shape but am convinced that the continued weight loss and increased activity will change that.

While all this is negative self-talk is, of course, goofy, it clarifies for me the truth that I am really interested in someone because I'm worried he'll think me not qualified to date him and I just would not really like to hear that right now. The fact is, I probably won't. I keep hearing that I am pretty awesome from people around. Sometimes I even believe it. I am just so used to hearing from myself that I need to learn something new, do something different, be more or less this or that in order to be awesome that it's hard to hear something contradictory and, well, new habits are hard to make.

Looking for something

I'm still not sure what to the think of the world after my experience at Palyul Temple in Ohio. I'm still living in it, though, so I'm just doing my best. All that has been going to and through my mind has been keeping me from blogging. I've felt like I have to rethink what it is I have to offer the world. Again, unsure.

However, I still have stories. Last week I was preparing to do my daily mantra practice and decided I wanted to draw a nice HUNG to use as part of my initial visualization. I immediately grabbed my bag of 20+ colors of sharpies and was looking for paper. I spied an old blank book I'd had for years and thought it might have a blank page so I opened it up to the middle. The page I opened to had notes on it from when I was in the Ministerial Studies Program that was preparation for becoming an ordained minister at The Church Within. The notes were from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. Could've been a coincidence. The page had on it a quote I'd just read from the current Tibetan text I'm reading called The Words of My Perfect Teacher by Patrul Rinpoche. I try to pay attention to such things.

While I was flipping through the notes I'd taken several years ago I found a prayer I'd written down. I assume it's from the book we were studying. A friend of mine who believes only what he sees was recently asking me what I want from Buddhism. He stated that he thinks religion was probably needed when we were evolving into modern humans but that it's become a crutch that limits us. It's hard to answer someone honestly about your aspirations once they've shared that they think everything to do with religion is indicative of character flaws and weakness. In response I wiggled out of it as best I could instead of telling him what I really wanted. The prayer in this notebook sums it up. Do I know that Buddhism can offer that? What do any of us know? Other religions that have touched my life have told me how to secure my own 'salvation' or that I couldn't get what they could get because I wasn't born one. Buddhism offers me a way to offer freedom to all sentient beings. That is the rhythm of my heart.

This is what I want. As usual, I found it while looking for something else.

May I be a protector to those without protection,
a leader for those who journey,
and a boat, a bridge, a passage
for those desiring the further shore.

May the pain of every living creature
be completely cleared away.
May I be the doctor and the medicine.
And may I be the nurse
for all sick beings in the world.

Just like space
and the great elements such as Earth,
May I always support the life of all the boundless creatures.

And until they pass away from pain,
May I also be the source of life.
For all the realms of varied beings
that reach unto the ends of space.

Google says it is from a guide to the Bodhisattva's way of life by Shantideva. It is what I want from whatever path can give it to me.

Show Up!

I'm currently preparing myself to receive teachings from Dakmar Tulku in Ohio. This has all come about rather rapidly upon my receiving some advice on reading from a friend who is also the person who invited me to the event. I am very excited. More excited than I have been about anything in quite some time. It just feels important and so I am being very attentive to what is happening right now and how I can best present myself to accept the wisdom and the transmissions offered. There will also be a Medicine Buddha Empowerment that I will take part in and experience. This is also very exciting for me as I have worked as a healer for more than 13 years.

In the last week I have been thinking of writing this blog about showing up and how important it is that we show up in response to a discussion with a friend last week about some places that she's feeling uncomfortable and where she is not bringing all of herself. At the time I was too much a commiserate friend and not at all taking the higher ground. What has struck me since and especially since I've been reading and discussing the preparations that will ready me to receive all that I can at Palyul it has become even more evident to me how important showing up really is.

Everything that I bring with me to an event really sets the reality of that event for me. It is what I spoke of in my last talk at church. If I am looking at some guy in an orange vest and hearing him talk that is the meaning it will have for me. If I realize I am hearing the teachings of a fully realized Buddha then I will receive all that there is to offer as I am ready for it. What is required implicitly is my ability to bring all I have to the table as well. If I'm only willing to avail part of my self/Self to the situation then that is all I can expect in return.

Where are you hiding yourself? Where are you putting away the parts of yourself that others might not like? Where are you making up stories about what others might think about you instead of letting them decide? Find those places and start showing up. You deserve it. More importantly, the people you are hiding yourself from deserve it. Show up!

The following is a prayer written for me by my friend Yeshe Lhundrup. May its full realization be upon me. May any positive merit generated by my work and by this blog benefit all sentient beings.

When the Karma of the three times has ripened and your mind manifests as you truly are.
May your Lotus feet remain firm to the path.
May your view be free of obscurations and your every action of body, speech and mind be motivated by compassion to alleviate the suffering of beings.
May each moment display the result as the path that leads to your inner most recognition.
May this life bring humility to your practice and your life be long and fruitful.

Creeds

When I was a kid I attended a little Presbyterian church that was right next to the house I lived in. While there are endless memories from that place, the one on my mind this morning was about The Apostles' Creed. It was spoken every Sunday morning during the service. We said it as a group. I, however, was a kid and didn't understand that catholic and Catholic were different and I refused to say that line because I wasn't Catholic. I was a Presbyterian, whatever that must have meant at the time, and wasn't going to speak anything other than that. It's funny looking back and thinking about which lines of that statement I wouldn't be willing to speak now knowing what I know. The word catholic would not be a problem.

I came to this thinking because of another creed that I now utter often. At the start of every karate class we speak the words of The Students' Creed. At different times I've thought about the these words and have thought about their implications on my life as a student of karate but moreover, as a person living life in this world. Often times, honestly, I have to stop myself from saying amen at the end if I'm really thinking about what I'm saying.

The creed we use...

I will build true confidence through knowledge of the mind, honesty of the heart, and strength of the body. I will offer friendship to others and strive to build a strong community. I will, as a black belt, win the battle within myself and never fight to achieve selfish ends.

Last Saturday I had a series (of 2) unfortunate run-ins with a higher rank. I suppose the biggest part of it was about differences in perception. Another part continues to be about where he is in his life, karate career, and how he views success and himself in relation to it coupled with how he views me. As it stands, I went to my instructor to talk about my interaction with him, the email exchange that followed it, and where I am on it now because that is where the buck stops for me. I leaned that my instructor has had a similar exchange with this same guy about things not related to me and is feeling pretty much as I did and do feel now.

Sensei and I had a good conversation about what's going on in all of it if one strips away the 'situation' and looks at it without so much filtering. It was very good. I spoke of the positive take-aways for me. I have been more willing to look at this person's feedback regardless the manner in which he's offering it and discerning where I need to make adjustments. The other, more important, behavioral adjustment on my part was that I didn't just buy what this guy had to say about another friend's involvement. When I was about to shoot off a pissy text I decided to man-up and call my good friend and ask where he stood on all of it. What I found was that he and I were clearly at different places with opinions but that he had not been part of a bitch session as I'd been lead to believe. I could have followed an old pattern and just believed what I made up based on poor information and screwed up one of my most growth inducing and longest standing friendships. I'm glad I took a breath and thought it through.

Karate can be a weird thing. As a second degree black belt I am to have no opinions of a higher rank. In my normal school setting, there is only one higher rank and there is no power struggle there at all. He has been my instructor since the start and there is no question about how things are set up. It's just easy. In part it is because of my perception of him. More than that, as he and I discussed last night, is that he has no question about his role and who he is. He is not looking at my willingness to blindly nod and submit as validation for his "power" because it just isn't a question. The rest of the time I'm working with people who are of the same rank as me or lower. It has been a great experience in that we have all benefited from sharing ideas related to teaching, practice, improvement, and some pretty honest feedback about where we are, where we've been, and where we need to head in our martial arts work. The point is, we all see it as a journey that doesn't end. Karate continues to be one of the most transformative practices of my life.

The point of all this is that right after this discussion with my sensei I bowed onto the mat for black belt class and spoke that creed. I looked at him and think that we were having a similar experience. That creed drives our lives. Our lives also drive that creed. I can't say that for this other person who I've been having trouble with. I can say that I need to figure out how to make that unimportant to me. I am responsible for myself, my school, and my students. I have to trust that higher ranks are on their own journey and my work is simply to do my best for my students in the presence of others. I recommitted myself to my vows of ministry with the last ordination class as I sat silently on the stage and they made their own promises. I am recommitting myself to these vows as well. If they are just words then my karate practice is just empty movement. That is not how I choose to spend my time. I choose to more and more be the action behind the symbolism of my words.

Video from ABC News about gay bashing in a sports bar.

This made me tear up a little. Thanks America. I am going to try and believe in you more.